Friday, 30 March 2012

Sexual Perverts, Moral Tight Asses and Second Life. (not necessarily in that order)

behind closed doors

When I started my period - being raised by my grandparents on a dairy farm on the Canadian Prairies - like many things of this nature - the handling of it was left to the maid. She was a lovely woman from Wales and she did her best to be caring and nurturing. So as she explained the whole .. Here-is-the-belt-and-here-is-a-pad part of it she tried to soften the blow of "yes this is going to go on every month for most of your life" with "but now you are a woman and you can get married and you can have a baby one day."

It didn't work for me. But I did give her points for the cheerleading outfit and the pom poms. Go Women!!

My response was "ewwww you are kidding right? I am never going to have a baby." She wanted to know why not and I told her, "because EVERYONE will know what I did to get pregnant." Clearly I was in the advanced religious sex-ed class of life where penises, vaginas and sex were dirty and bad. I may not have been undressing in the dark but my eyes were firmly shut.

Of course I grew up a bit and came to realize that people are not preoccupied with whether other people are "doing it" and in fact, most people do everything they can to never even go there. Kids certainly do not want to ever admit their parents have sex and the rest of the world just doesn't worry about how and when our neighbours are going at it. What a huge relief to realize no-one was as preoccupied with me as my pubescent haze of self importance might have once suggested. What everyone else is "doing " is a non issue.

Except it clearly isn't for some people.

One of the things I find interesting about Second Life is that everyone's sexual business seems to be out there in everyone's face. It is like we all have to don a t-shirt that makes it clear what we are doing and not doing with our little virtual asses. Once we have publicly declared our own intentions, some of us then seem to be moved by an unseen force to control the rest of the universe. Privacy is a premium and everyone seems to feel invited to discuss. Hence the recent interaction with a stranger who said "Hi, I'm a sissy boy, do you know what that is? Most people do not like me because I am a sissy boy." My reply? "You know maybe that is the reason, it might also be that most people usually start "friendships" with things like "hi, how are you?" and getting to know a bit about each other. " Sex is usually NOT a big part of most "friendships."

I don't know. I am an adult. When I have time in my busy daily schedule to jump to conclusions and make assumptions …. I assume that when adults get together in a social atmosphere, there is a really good possibility that some of that is going to indeed involve sex. I also assume, in a completely creative, virtual reality, that people are going to experiment with their fantasies in the same way that they experiment with their fantasies in all the other arena's of Second Life. It is none of my business. It is none of yours. Like I would do in real life, should I happen upon a couple engaged in some form of sexual activity … I just quietly back away and give them some privacy.

My opinion on sex should matter the least to you of any opinion that I ever offer because if there was ever anything that is completely subjective … ding ding ding … sex would be it. AND sex is defined by two people coming together and working out what they are going to do and how they are going to do it, NOT by a majority vote or some kind of popularity poll. I am sorry … I love my mom but she is not coming into my bedroom and telling me what I can or cannot do. And if I am not willing to go there with my mother, who has seen me naked and loves me anyway … why would you ever think I would go there with you?

Even in obvious situations where we see a person who is married in RL "married" to someone in Second Life or having a relationship- what do you care? Really we shouldn't even be allowed to know this about one another. I can't look at two people together in real life and know whether they are married or not, cheating or not …. I kind of like it that way on account of … it is none of my business. I get a headache just trying to deal with who I am supposed to be and what I am supposed to be doing. They don't have good enough meds out there yet for me to take on the entire rest of the world. I quite frankly don't even WANT to think about you having sex. I am pretty sure that when this life is said and done no God is going to ask me to weigh in on what I think about what other people did or didn't do. I think that is a conversation between them and God - mainly because there is no way I can ever really know the whole story.

Neither can you.

You do not know ANYTHING about the circumstances of the real life situation and every situation is NOT a case of someone cheating. I have talked with people in here who have used the exploration of fantasies to enhance their sexual life at home WITH their partner and ALL the parties involved are in the know. I have met people who have a sex-less SL marriage and it is more about companionship and intimacy of hearts. I have met people whose RL partner is unable to be sexually intimate and the love the two of them share allows the one partner to stay without intimacy and the other to encourage that they at least have that with someone in SL. Why is it so difficult to allow people to be in charge of their own lives and to respect their privacy? Why do we feel we have to condemn what we do not understand?

That is what it boils down to … in our own personal lives, "we would not, could not." We could not conceive that we would ever do that. So instead of being happy to choose something different, we point fingers and condemn, justifying our own insecurities and fears.

We all have lines we would not cross and we are entitled to them and no-one should ask or dare us to make that leap.

I know there are people who will comment that 2 men kissing in public is not private, but lets be honest … people do a whole range of things in public that we disagree with and we simply look away. I find nose picking and spitting to be offensive, for example. I assume most adults know that those practices are considered reprehensible and the consequences of their actions are theirs to reap. I don't need to pull out the soap box and lecture them.

Peoples private sexual practices seldom lead to rampant running around where they force them on innocent bystanders. So the gay men kissing are not planning on going after you or your kids next. In fact, if you think about it, the happier and more fulfilled they are with their own lives, the less likely they are to harm anyone in any way.

Second Life scares people in this regard. I know lots of men who sit for hours in front of games where they kill and maim people. We don't insist they are all going to get up from the game and kill and maim their families and yet with sexual fantasy, we insist these people cannot keep fixed lines between what goes on inworld and what goes on in real life. We insist it is something much more sinister. That does not tell us how awful virtual fantasy or virtual sex is … it tells us only how deep seated our misunderstandings of our own sexual nature is. For some people it really is the fear of giving into it leading us to complete abandon of all personal control and maybe that is valid … for them.

What is funny to me is that SL created an adult area to "contain" the unmentionable sex acts some are so repulsed by and still people are preoccupied with complaining about what goes on and how it offends them. It has left me wondering about RL. Maybe if we could see what goes on in the bedrooms of the neighbours we might wake up to the fact that, despite our best efforts, sex goes on all the time. Not everyone views sex or the human body in the same way. It seems to me that one of the fundamental things we keep missing is that if someone has no basis to think of sex as "sinning," or the human body as "dirty," they are not accountable on your scale. They are acting with integrity to their own beliefs and understanding - and enjoying their lives. They are not asking you to change your closeted, procreation only, marital responsibilities approach to sex. For you to do anything different would cost you your integrity. It is no different with them. They cannot feel guilt simply because you want them to.

So here is the deal - why don't we agree to allow some people to cling tightly to their fear of sex while others embrace it as a joyous celebration of life and love and connection. Lets allow the law to deal with the people who go outside those two healthy boundaries that are allowed as choices. Both sides, put your hands on your hearts and swear that you will never ever try to kidnap one of the others and force/brainwash or entice into your way of life. OK … I now pronounce you human beings with your own lives and different choices. Amen and Amen.


  1. Thank you. Thank you. This is the best post on
    this subject I have read in a long time.

  2. I have to agree. Very accurate and well said. I have run into this many times in sl.

  3. Thanks Chestnut and NeferSif for your comments. I think sometimes it is difficult to know what to say when the topic goes off the rails because no-one wants to wade in and be singled out in the middle of the insanity. Sticking up for privacy with sex is often construed as a sure indication you have something to hide lol.