Tuesday, 18 December 2012
Let's Talk Serious Christmas Safety.
I know that everyone talks to their kids about not peeing in the swimming pool and there are lots of stories about mortification going on over THAT happening but one thing we need to discuss for this winter/holiday/Christmas season is about what happens when it gets colder. (if you can find that one person in your office who does mortification the best, have them come over and sit amongst you being mortified ... if you are unsure ... you should have a mortification contest and find a winner otherwise you are going to miss out on the realism of many of my blog posts)
Have you had the big talk with your kids? (get some of your co-workers to put on their bathing suits and play "the kids" .. if no-one has theirs with them, they can just use their underwear.)
Peeing ON the pool when it is frozen can be a life threatening decision and one that can change lives forever. (on account if you are no longer alive - that definitely changes everything).
DO NOT overlook this important discussion amidst the tinsel and short bread and the Ferrero Rocher wrappings.
Parents please please please warn your children that while there are lots of " porky pies" (Australian for lies) about dye in the pool to show when people pee there are even greater dangers. I know for a fact that there is no dye because I can't tell you how many pools I have peed in without anyone knowing. Liquid pools are the least of your concerns but believe me when I say you NEVER want to try that at Christmas time in the frozen Northland . . . because when you pee on the frozen pool there is no hiding the fact.
Snow and ice are white.
Pee is not.
And while a bathing suit is not that restricting and you can pee and swim away ... you cannot pee effectively through 87 layers of underwear, grandma's leotards and snow pants and run ...
And once you are a frozen statue and cannot move the wind will come up and blow you over and then the Zamboni driver will not see you lying there and he will just think there is a stubborn lump in the ice when he hits you and he will Zamboni you into oblivion and then Hockey Night in Canada will play Hockey over you and the figure skaters will toe pick on your face and you will try to scream but your voice will be frozen in your throat and alas ... you will die.
And then the spring thaw will come and the bears will be hungry and they will find what is left of you and they will eat you. And then when the Mayan's come back and take over the earth they will find your skull, tie it to a stick and use it for a soup ladle.
Make sure you have lots of hot chocolate and marshamallows on hand while you tell your children this part of the Christmas story.
Everything is better with chocolate.
Even fear mongering.