Tuesday, 18 December 2012

Why Your Christmas Tree Sucks. An Expose.

POE5  11 Ear Candy, DCNY 1


This is the Christmas blog to make you feel really bad because here you will see a beautiful Christmas tree.

See the beautiful Christmas Tree?

You will note that there are no men, no children, and no mother-in-law wagging her finger at you in this picture. That is because this is a fantasy picture.

It is make believe.

Just like Santa and "let's have a quiet sensible Christmas this year."

Don't do it. DO NOT take your eyes off the computer and glance over at your tree. You know it is either:

a) still in the box next to the broken ornaments your husband said he carefully packed away for you last year ... OR
b) standing there missing 3 branches and looking like someone vomitted tinsel and cheap ornaments all over it .
c) standing there with the dog peeing on it, a hamster lost in it, all the ornaments basically on two lower branches that the children could reach and with broken grandma's crystal balls crushed underneath .

You looked anyway didn't you?

You need to put all the pretty magazines away, turn off those Christmas shows and tell the Avon lady to shove it. People will tell you there will be lots of time for beautiful perfect trees when you are older and your husband has progressed in his schooling of how to obey the wifey and not try to be creative on his own without supervision. They will tell you once your children are older and no longer want to "help" it will all be better.

Well I am here to tell you the truth.

When you are older you will be too tired to spend hours making pretty crafts and putting up a tree. All the pretty ornaments will be broken and you will have no money because you spent it all bailing your children out of jail.  Your husband gets worse, not better, and your kids get older and they move away and you will cry about it.

I know ... it may seem inconceivable right now while they are out on Christmas holidays, have decked the house with bowls of cheerios, have managed to shove cookie dough up the neighbour kids nose, and are re-enacting the little drummer boy with all your pots and pans ... but soon you will be able to cry all over your house and not just in the bathroom with the water running and a towel over your face to muffle the screams.

THAT is the kind of freedom they are talking about when they smile and talk about when you are older ....

All those women who put up those beautiful pics and say "just got the Christmas tree up, am knitting lingerie for my sister, and just waiting for the gingerbread to finish cooking while the children hand dip the chocolates ..." are liars.

Those pics are taken of trees at the mall.

They just photoshopped out all the people.

Unfortunately there is not an app to do that in real life.

I am done now. Have a great day.  Stop looking at your tree ... it is not going to get any better.

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